TO WOMEN: Relationships, Control, Physical and Emotional Abuse

SECTION ONE: WHO IS THIS  FOR?

This is a blog on relationships written by a woman, for women. Now, that’s not to say men can’t read it, too. Everyone is different. Some women will read this and not understand a word, and some men could read this and get every letter of every page. However, it IS written with female readers in mind. If you are a man, and you read this and are able to put aside the “he’s” and “she’s” of it all, I raise my glass to you, sir.

This is a paper on the relationship between a man and a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuality. I just don’t have a whole lot of experience in such a relationship, and would not assume to know enough to write a paper on it. If you choose to read this anyways, more power to you.

This is NOT written for women who want to be submissive, passive, dependent house wives forever. This paper was actually written in hopes of changing that. If you sincerely don’t ever want to change, and feel that it’s okay to let a man control you for the rest of your life, DO NOT READ THIS PAPER.

This paper was written to give hope to those who need it. It was written to help women know whether they are being irrational like women tend to do, or if they really need out of the relationship they’re in. It was written to show you that no matter how much or how little education you have, what you are and aren’t good at, how physically weak or strong you may be, you do NOT need a man to survive. Love is a beautiful thing, but if a relationship isn’t working, you do not need to stay in it just for the sake of having a man. This is the twenty-first century, girls, we can take care of ourselves. We are worth more than most of us may realize.

SECTION TWO: WOMEN ARE IRRATIONAL? WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Yes. Women are irrational creatures by nature. We work very differently than men. We feel deeper, we love stronger, and when we get upset, it NEVER seems silly…at first. Think back to all of the fights that you’ve had, that you later felt like an idiot for starting at all. Now why can’t we just learn to think that clearly when we START fighting? This happens so often for most women, and it works out the same every time. From now on, I want you to try something. Now this may sound familiar, because chances are you’ve told the man in your life SEVERAL times to do this. I want you, next time you feel like fighting, PUT YOURSELF IN THAT MANS SHOES. I want you to think about EXACTLY what he has done that made you so angry. Now I want you to imagine you’re the one who has done that. If it is something he has said, try to think of different things he could have MEANT by it. As women, we tend to take things the WRONG WAY. A LOT. Now, imagine he goes off on you, like you plan to do to him. NOW decide whether or not you are entitled to go yelling at him for whatever he has done. Talk calmly to him about whatever it is, ASK him what he actually meant, EXPLAIN to him how that sounds to women and why you are upset. Sometimes you have to help men understand. As I mentioned before, our minds work COMPLETELY differently, and there is no way for them to understand not to say certain things, or do certain things. We are like cats and dogs. My dog, Cyanide, LOVES to play with other animals. If it has fur, it’s her friend. She tries to play with cats the same way she plays with dogs. She starts off with some light sniffing, but as soon as they show any interest in playing, her butt is in the air, tail is wagging, and she’s barking playfully. This scares the cats away. She doesn’t understand that cats and dog are so different, what seems like fun to her may be taken as a threat to a kitty. Just the same, men often don’t understand that what may seem playful to them may be hurtful to us. They aren’t stupid, they just think different. Well…not ALL of them are stupid, anyways.

SECTION THREE: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN I’M BEING TREATED RIGHT?

Honestly, I wish I could remember who said this to me, but a guy friend once told me “If you don’t feel beautiful all the time, then your man is doing something wrong”. I couldn’t agree more with that statement. Girls, we are the salt of the earth. I firmly believe that the female form is Gods most beautiful creation. You cook for your man, you clean for him, you love him, you take care of him when he is sick, you fulfill his sexual desires. Your man owes it to you to make you feel like a queen. You should feel smart, pretty, cool, fun to be around, and overall happy just about all the time. If you are going days at a time feeling stupid, or useless, or ugly, or not nearly as interesting as you used to, then something is WRONG. If you look at yourself in the mornings trying to figure out what has changed so much since the beginning of your relationship, what you’ve done wrong, where you’ve gained fat, why you EVER got a new hair cut, because HE just doesn’t seem to appreciate you anymore, GET OUT NOW. Unless you have become lazy, started cooking really gross food every night, stopped caring for your husband like you used to, or have stopped taking care of yourself completely, then IT IS NOT YOU. You gain a few pounds, you notice. If he even notices, he shouldn’t mind, but usually he won’t notice. You get a bad haircut, you can’t look at yourself in the mirror. He should be able to look past that and make you feel pretty anyways. He should love you even if you should happen to go bald. Nobody wants to think about this, but it is possible that in some freak accident, YOU DO GO BALD. You do NOT want to be with someone who’s going to stop “loving” you if that happens! Love has NOTHING to do with your hair! Let’s say you’re going to college, and you do bad on a test. Yes, you are going to feel awful, dumb, like you can’t do it. He should make that go away. You should never feel dumb because of your man. You should never feel weak because of your man. You should never feel like you cannot do something BECAUSE OF YOUR MAN. That is not love, that is control. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you ARENT being treated right!

SECTION FOUR: IS CONTROL EVER LOVE?

NOOOOOOOO! Control is NEVERRRR love. There’s something you have to understand about the “controlling” personality: they are very confused people. Different people are controlling for different reasons. Some people are controlling in relationships out of fear. Fear of being left, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of being hurt. These people really do love you a lot of the time, and sometimes don’t even realize they are being so controlling. Talk to your man if you feel like he is controlling you. Suggest counseling. Counseling for him, couples counseling, whatever. Suggest he finds out why he’s so controlling. Make SURE he knows that if he continues to control you, it WILL NOT WORK OUT. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stay in a relationship with a control freak who is unwilling to try and fix his issues. If a person loves you, and realizes that they are controlling, they will do their best to keep a tighter grip on their impulses to be that way. I know this because I am that way. I am an extremely controlling person. I recognize that it is a problem, and I do my very best to keep it, well, for lack of better wording, under control. If you stay in a relationship with a control freak who is unwilling to try not to be, then you will slowly lose your sense of identity, lose your individuality, and forget who YOU ever were. Another kind of controlling personality is the kind who just feels the constant need to have somebody to control. This is the most dangerous one. He will totally convince you that he loves you, and he needs you, and blah blah blah LIES. He loves CONTROLLING you, and he needs you so he has someone to HAVE POWER OVER. Really, he’s a vampire. A power hungry, soul sucking vampire who doesn’t know how to love. It’s almost sad for HIM, really. He has become so lost and confused that he thinks this good feeling he gets from being in charge of another human being like that is love. Obviously, it is not. Love is a humbling thing. Love is wanting the other person to be happy. Love involves a good deal of freedom and trust. If you are being controlled, then there is no freedom, and there is no trust. This is NOT okay.

SECTION FIVE: WHEN IS PHYSICAL ABUSE OKAY?

Um, NEVER. I cannot BELIEVE the number of women who stay in physically abusive relationships because they “have nowhere else to go”. NO. That is NO excuse. There are always, ALWAYS options. If you stay in a physically abusive relationship, it WILL kill you. Maybe HE won’t kill you, but maybe he will. If he doesn’t, then the stress will. If it doesn’t physically kill you, it will kill your soul. You will become an empty shell. You say you’re too proud to ask for help. Explain to me how that is more embarrassing then getting hit by a MAN? Uncivilized, barbaric, disgusting men that beat women or children because they can are a DISGRACE to society.  It doesn't matter what that man has been through in his life, there is NO EXCUSE.  Even if he is just abusing your pet, you should probably leave, because that's not a good sign and usually just where it starts.  It takes a much stronger, more respectable woman to ADMIT she needs help and get out of that situation than it does to stay in a relationship like that and just pretend nothing is going on. Girls, I guarantee you that if you are in an abusive relationship, people know. Try as you may, it’s not something you can hide. Grow a pair and get the hell out of there. If you have family, find someone who can take you in. If you have friends, find someone who can help you out. If you have neither, there are shelters and churches who will do what they can for you. You don’t have to believe in God to seek help in His home. Pastors, preachers, priests, whatever leaders of the church you choose will either help you out themselves or help you find help. Yes, church people are judgmental, but nobody with a heart or soul is going to have bad judgments on YOU for getting out of an abusive relationship, or for getting the necessary help to survive on your own. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you that you can’t do it. You are a woman, and are therefore capable of finding that magical strength within. If you believe we came from Adams rib, then you should find it easy to believe that we can be just as strong as men, because we are made from them. If you believe we came from monkeys, then you should believe that we can be just as smart as men. Just kidding, girls, hating on men doesn’t make us any better than them. It’s just fun.

SECTION SIX: EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS MADE UP, RIGHT?

I want you to write this on the chalkboard one hundred times: EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS REAL. Obviously I believe in a lot of things about the power of the mind. You can build it up and you can tear it down. The female mind, for the most part, is a very fragile thing. That’s not to say ALL women are that way, but many are. If you aren’t, you may feel slightly insulted right now, but if you ARE, then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. These kinds of men are EXTREMELY dangerous due to their manipulative tendencies. These men LOVE being needed. They will convince you that you are absolutely NOTHING without them. They will tell you all of your hobbies are stupid, everything you love is worthless, you’re not good at anything. They will tear you down and be proud of their hard work. They will completely convince you that if you leave, you will never survive. You have the SAME options as people with physical abuse. You can go to friends, you can go to family, you can go to shelters or churches. There is help, you are never STUCK in a relationship with someone who makes you want to die. Emotional abuse can kill you. The stress will make you physically sick and destroy who you are. It is not good for your health to stay in a situation like that. It’s suicide. You are worth more than that. Being in a relationship with a man is supposed to be ENJOYABLE. You should feel good about yourself. You should feel like you can accomplish anything. You should feel safe. If a man is making you feel awful about yourself, you are being emotionally abused, and you need to get away from that as soon as you can. I don't care if it's been 2 weeks or 50 years, it's never too late.

SECTION SEVEN: TOP FIVE EXCUSES FOR STAYING IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP THAT PISS ME OFF

I am tired of women giving weak excuses for staying in a bad relationship. Let me explain to you why the top five excuses I hear are not good excuses for staying in the relationship with a man that is not good for you.

#1. “I have nowhere to go.” I have made it perfectly clear that this is NEVER an acceptable excuse. There are ALWAYS other options. You can ALWAYS find a place to go. You can ALWAYS find help. There are programs, there are shelters, there are really nice people in the world who would do ANYTHING to help a woman out of a bad relationship. I know these people exist because I AM one of these people. If I can help a woman out of a bad relationship who SINCERELY wants out, I will do whatever I can. Eventually, ANY woman can make it on her own! We do not NEED a man!

#2. “We have a child/children together.” Nope, definitely NOT a good excuse to stay with a man. It is going to mess a child up more to see their parents hate each other, being miserable, and fighting all the time than it is for their parents to be split up. Many parents think they can just play happy in front of their children and the kids will never know anything is wrong. This is a STUPID belief. Children are much smarter than they are given credit for. You can try to hide it all you want, they are still going to know that there is something wrong. Just split up. It’s no more harmful for the children than to live in an unhappy home.

#3. “He’ll change and be better.” NO he won’t. If you are going to counseling together, then yes, maybe he will. After a few months if nothing changes, then GIVE IT UP. You are MISERABLE. Stop telling yourself it’s going to get better. It’s not. Get out of the relationship. There’s no reason to stay with a man who makes you feel like that. After you leave, maybe he really will change and he’ll want to try again as a new, better person. You can decide THEN what you want to do. But there’s no reason to be miserable while you wait for him to come around.

#4. “He says he loves me.” HOLY CRAP, if he LOVES you, then he will treat you right! Don’t stay with a man who says he loves you if the only thing convincing you he loves you is the fact that he keeps saying it. If he loves you, then you’ll feel great, you’ll be happy, you’ll be RESPECTED. Do NOT listen to a man saying he loves you if he doesn’t SHOW it. If he keeps saying it, just empty words, break up with him. It’s not worth it. Not only is he a bad boyfriend/fiancé/husband, he’s a LIAR.

#5. “I’m never going to find anyone better.” This is not true. If you aren’t being treated right by the man you’re with, then you don’t belong with him, and there IS a man out there who WILL treat you right. Even if I WAS wrong, which I usually am not, you are BETTER OFF ALONE than you are in a miserable relationship. You will be happier by yourself than with a man who hits you, or who says terrible things to you, or who makes you feel worthless. You will be okay on your own, you will learn all sorts of things about yourself, and you will learn to be very happy.

SO IN CONCLUSION…

What I am trying to tell you girls is that we are WOMEN. We are strong, we stand together, we can do anything we want. You can get out of bad relationships, you can survive on your own. You can learn to break things down and see when you are being irrational. You are all strong, many of you are stronger than you give yourselves credit for. You should all be happy, you deserve it. We are beautiful master pieces, and should be treated like the jewels that we are.